


My Life

by brokencasbutt67



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Child Abuse, Dog bite, F/M, Mild Gore, Past Child Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, She/Her Pronouns for Aziraphale (Good Omens), bisexual aziraphale, dog attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:47:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26431387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokencasbutt67/pseuds/brokencasbutt67
Summary: This is like entirely based off my life - except for the fact I don't have a Crowley. So yeah, heed the warnings because it's angsty af. not looking for sympathy, just emptying my brain for once in a while. no smut either- or not consensual anyway.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Others
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	My Life

Aziraphale’s earliest memory can be traced back to her childhood. She was aged five or six, running back home from her neighbour’s home. She had been friends with him for a long time, that friendship continued well into high school. She had stopped to pet a dog, an entirely innocent act. In doing so, this dog had attacked her though. A blood-curdling scream could be heard all of the way down the street. Her parents ran outside, finding her laid in the path covered in blood, the dog was laid a few feet away with blood dripping from its mouth, though the owner was nowhere to be found. They lifted her into their arms and ran to the doctor’s surgery at the end of the street.

She left there a few hours later with a few bandages on her face. If not for the doctors, she would have much more to show for the attack than the small scar on her face. Most people had assumed that it would traumatise her around dogs, though they couldn’t be further from the truth. Dogs had always been a big part of her life, and that never changed, even as she grew to adulthood.

She returned to school the following Monday as perky as she always had been.

No one there picked up on the change when _it_ happened. She thought it was innocent and normal, she didn’t realise that her brother shouldn’t be doing _these things to her,_ that he shouldn’t be touching her how he is _._ It’s the second memory of her childhood that she holds.

She was aged six or seven, the years all blurred into one at some point. She’d gotten out of the bath, and was going to get her pyjamas on and go to read a book. Her brother, Gabriel, had called her name. Not thinking anything of it, she walked upstairs with the towel still around her. He closed the door behind her, though it would never close fully for some reason.

She sat on her brother’s bed, watching as he eased the towel aside. He pulled out a phone – an older phone that she hadn’t seen before. With the push of a button, it was vibrating though. He eased it between her legs, while his hand trailed down to her breast. They’re barely there, yet he’s latched onto one.

She wants to squirm away from the vibrations between her legs, though it’s weirdly nice too. The door has cracked open, though when footsteps can be heard walking up the stairs, her brother moves to close the door, though Aziraphale’s sister sees into the room. She questions, _what’s going on_ ¸ but it seems that nothing ever comes of it. When she looks back, she questions why her sister never raised it with their parents, though at the time, she thinks nothing of it.

Aziraphale doesn’t remember much after that point – not until she was in her last year before starting high school anyway. Her sister was a rather wayward teen, to say the least. But her sister still cares – or so she thinks. Her sister will meet her after school and walk her home, to make sure that she gets home safe.

During these walks home, her sister would talk of various sexual escapades that no ten year old should be thinking about. At the time, Aziraphale thought nothing of it. She didn’t realise how weird it was for those conversations to be happening between a 16 year old and Aziraphale, being aged 10.

High school was even worse for Aziraphale. She was bullied right from the start, being slightly overweight and struggling with social situations made her an easy target. Looking back, she isn’t sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that she wasn’t diagnosed with autism until early adulthood.

Once she realised that what her brother had done to her wasn’t normal, and how _wrong_ it was, she turned to self-harm. She can’t explain _why_ she turned to self-harm, it just felt right at the time. She sorely regrets it now, it sent her into a pit that she’s struggled to escape from ever since. Self-harm has always been an outlet for her, and she hates it. It’s addictive, and Aziraphale has an addictive personality, she’s in a horrible cycle that she can’t break. 

Of course, once her adoptive parents found out what had happened, they had to kick Gabriel out. They couldn’t keep an abuser in the house, especially while Aziraphale was still only in her early teens.

While that was going on, Aziraphale fell in love with her first boyfriend. He was rough around the edges, but Aziraphale genuinely loved him, but he was abusive. All of her relationships turned out to be toxic, whether it was through psychological abuse with her first boyfriend, who she went back to four times because she still believed she loved him.

Her second boyfriend raped her, repeatedly. It was every time they met up, but she was too scared to leave him. Eventually, they parted due to other reasons, though it still hurt her to lose him.

The first time that Aziraphale had dated someone of the same gender, it was more a case of experimenting. She had often had questions around her sexuality, though having homophobic parents meant that it was so much harder to explore this. Her first girlfriend was a few years older than her, much more experienced in dating girls too. She didn’t think much of it when that girlfriend would blame her for self-harming. Aziraphale has been there herself, struggling with self-harm and depression, so she would try to help her girlfriend. But her girlfriend didn’t want to be helped. After many months of this, Aziraphale hit a rock bottom and had to end the relationship. Of course, the girlfriend threatened suicide and blamed Aziraphale, which only hurt Aziraphale more.

All of her relationships seemed to go through a similar cycle of being abusive and hurting, though it was her last relationship before she met Crowley where she was the first to act. 

He was quite a few years older than her; he was 26 and she was 20. He seemed perfect at first, though as she looks back, there are so many red flags that she should’ve seen a mile off, the most notable being that he dropped out of university at 19 and never did anything with his life, yet he wanted to do an apprenticeship, which usually stop taking applications at aged 20. But he seemed perfect, he understood her insecurities and he worked to help her through them – or so she thought. More often than not, he would make comments that didn’t help at all, though she would act like they did to make him happy. He wasn’t insistent on sex at first, which was great given that Aziraphale believes herself to be asexual.

But as the relationship, if it could even be called that, progressed he became more demanding for sex. If she went to his house, he would be trying to get into her pants within five minutes. That should’ve been a major red flag. Even the days of her periods, when she had made it explicitly clear that she didn’t even want to be touched more than cuddling, he would be trying to get his hands into her pants.

The next thing that should’ve made her weary was that when his mom was due to be home from work, he was rushing her out of the house, as though he was hiding her from his mother. Again, it wasn’t until the relationship had ended that she realised how odd that was.

He would ignore her for three days straight if she said no to anything – similar to a petulant child. Again, after her history of relationships, Aziraphale thought nothing of it. The thing that tipped it over for Aziraphale though, and prompted her to end the relationship was something that probably appeared minor and pathetic to some, but for her, it was a sure fire sign that he had no respect for her requests. She had asked him not to follow her Tumblr, it’s her escape from the real world and he doesn’t need to follow that too. After Googling one of her posts, word for word, he found her account and replied to every single post – even replying to posts of others that she had replied to. Less than two weeks after that, she ended the relationship.

The bullying continued through high school and into college, which combined with her inability to make lasting friendships, meant that it was a living hell. She turned to reading, books helped her take her mind from the world around her. She could lose herself in a book, staying awake until the sun would be rising again.

She’s always known that she’s adopted, she knew this when she was younger and it’s never been a major part of her life, though when people find out, they act as though it is something hugely life changing. She didn’t know much of her birth mother – having been taken away at four months old, after her twin sister died under _suspicious circumstances._ Not much is known about that time, and Aziraphale is glad that she doesn’t know about the pain her sister went through, already knowing that some of her _other_ birth siblings were found to have horrific injuries.

When she was younger, Aziraphale would visit her twin sister’s grave regularly, though as she’s grown into adulthood, that’s become much less common – there’s never enough time in the week.

As she grew into her latter teens, and stayed at college, she had some awful teachers bullying her. None of them believed that she would be successful in any career, to the point where she was almost suicidal whenever she thought of her future. Yet, once she left college, she found a great apprenticeship in the career that she wanted.

Starting there though, it brought out her anxiety much worse. Phone calls seemed to lead her into a panic attack. She eventually sought therapy, and in seeking the support for the phones, began to work through the rest of the issues that plague her life and her history.

When Crowley was introduced to Aziraphale, she was hesitant to open up to him, which is understandable after everything that she went through in her previous relationships. They went on a few dates, during which Crowley was the perfect gentleman.

Their relationship was slow to flourish, it took Aziraphale even longer to open up to him about her past, but when she did, they laid together. Tears were shed, from both, and eventually, they fell asleep curled around each other. Maybe this is the relationship to change the past. 


End file.
